Why Does Tim Hortons Suck?

Tim Hortons is Tim Horrible

Remember back when you could go to the Tim Hortons in your town and get a donut that was baked fresh that morning actually in the store you were buying it from? Remember back when the coffee tasted good? Remember back when there was only 1 of them in town, instead of one in every neighborhood? Remember when they had good food? Holy shit has that franchise become the most disgusting place you could ever stop eh?

What Happened to Tim Hortons?

Today I was waiting for my vehicle to be serviced at the best mechanic in Calgary, it was 9am and I had about 2 hours to stand around with nothing to do. Right across the street from the garage I was at was a Timmies, so that’s what attracted me to go on in and sit. The place was busy, there was at least 3 people digging through the garbage cans outside, a line up of shitty pickup trucks in the drive-thru, and 6 ladies not buying anything but standing in line to use the filthy washroom while their family waited in the car. What a great crowd, this place is all atmosphere, it’s a fine dining experience.

Tim Hortons was once a great restaurant to grab a snack, a good coffee, or a basic meal. Then it went to shit. This little Canadian darling got purchased by some corporate garbage selling fast food factory and everything changed, literally everything but the name.

The food quality was reduced to processed and packaged airplane food. They sold the coffee recipe and replaced it with some American turd water that tastes akin to drinking burnt dogshit from an ashtray. They discoved that making all the donuts in a preservative factory hours away and shipping them daily allowed them to make them taste like ass but also increase profits, so that had to happen. Everything got worse about the place, everything.

Their solution to this problem of declining quality? Triple the number of locations. Surely there must be enough Filipino temporary foreign workers in Canada to staff 200 more stores right?

How’s The Food at Tim Hortons?

On this fateful day, as I sit quietly in the corner booth, my back to the wall simply because the clientele of this place has changed from formerly catering to regular guys who fix your toilet to now serving mostly Calgary drug users who shit on your lawn, but I do got 2 hours to fill so… I feel like I’m serving a 2 hour sentence with Jack Nicholson in the Cuckoos Nest.

I know the coffee tastes like hockey socks so as a safe bet I order a Diet Coke and a muffin. Can’t get a regular flavor muffin anymore though, now it’s like ordering an overly complex named muffin from a 1995 Earls Restauant. Pretty sure I got a “Roasted Cinnamon Bark Hearty Organic Bran With In-Season Wild Raspberries” but I really only wanted a basic fucking Chocolate Chip.

There was a time when the muffins were huge, like overflowing on top, and the top was a nice golden crunchy shell above the cakey interior full of fresh filled flavors. Not anymore, they fixed that. Now you get a muffin that tastes like it was baked in a microwave from an instant cake mix, it’s a child sized portion, and I’m pretty sure the filling is just generic pie filling from a can. If you got this muffin out of a vending machine at the curling rink you wouldn’t know the difference.

How Rich is Wayne Gretzky?

FFS, thank goodness they treat us all like we got an entry level NHL contract. Just about cost me a fiver for that snack. I could have bought 2 beers and a condom for that price and still got f’d.

I can only speculate that they have increased the prices in hopes that in the future they can import 3 more employees per store to pressure wash the pissers and maybe clean the weeks worth of crumbs from the window ledges.

Regardless how you feel about it, can we all just agree to stop patronizing this low quality American shithole and find a local place in your community to support instead? Every town must have a better independantly owned family ran bakery, deli, or coffee shop. Go there instead, you won’t regret it.

~ King Calgary

*This post is my honest review of how bad the local Tim Hortons restaurants have got, it is based entirely upon my own experience visiting the restaurant on this and previous occasions. Your opinion and experience may vary, but I doubt it.